Lessons from a Broken Heart: Part 1

There aren’t words that can fully describe the profound ache of a broken heart. It is a primal, pervasive, and paralyzing pain designed evolutionarily to signal a rupture in our social bonds.

Heartbreak can emerge from the death of a loved one, a breakup, rejection, the loss of a support system or resources (i.e., financial), or even an expectation that never got actualized. Heartbreak can emerge from the loss of something or someone or the longing and absence of a connection that never occurred.

Like many, this year has been full of heartbreak, the death of friends, the rupture of significant relationships, breakups, and many unactualized beginnings.

Being in the dance of heartbreak has been excruciating and enlightening, and has taught me many things I would like to share - I hope you find them supportive.

What have you learned from a broken heart?

The pain is real:

Mindbody research shows that emotional and physical pain are nearly identical. Some of the pain we feel in a heartbreak is from a massive influx of stress hormones coupled with an actual enlargement of the heart and simultaneous weakening of some of the cardiac muscles. It can feel like our heart is exploding in pain and we just don’t have the strength for it. So honor it like you would any other injury. 

The deep ache and feeling incapacitated is part of our evaluatory design to slow down, protect ourselves from further rupture of our social bonds and unfulfilled desires, and reflect and heal. 

Time doesn't heal:

Time doesn't heal - healing heals. We can bury the pain over time, but that's not the same as mending our broken hearts. The reality of healing is that it takes awareness, focus, attention, compassion, and processing. Essentially healing requires energy, not just time.   

Everyone heals at their own pace. We can't force it on ourselves or others.  

The imprint of the ache will always have some presence.

What if that imprint is also a reminder of all the beautiful things from that person that once filled your heart? 

When they say, "don't be sad" or "It's time to move on", what they mean to say is:

Oh, dear one, this is so hard - and the ache is so present. I'm holding you in all this sadness. I'm also holding an eventual future that has so much less pain and even joy. I'm here with you.

It's ok to distract yourself, but do check in with yourself as well:

As a human, you are only capable of holding so much pain. You are evolutionarily designed to be able to disconnect at times - as a means of finding more time, space, and resources to process the rest of the pain. 

If you want to be fully present with the heartache all the time, you are welcome to. If you can only be with the ache for so long, find supportive ways to bring your focus elsewhere. It's healthy as long as those distractions allow you to come back and check in with yourself and processes whenever you need.

A loss of potential is legitimate grief:

You don't need to have been in a fully actualized relationship with something or someone to be sad and mourn the loss of what could have been.  

You don't need to compare the losses or heartbreak of someone else to yours; keep being present with how you are feeling and what you need.

It feels like you are alone - even though you are not:

Heartbreak makes us feel so alone, as though one tear in the social fabric is a complete rupture between ourselves and everyone and everything around us.

It's hard to let anyone else in when you're hurting, even when you're surrounded by so many loving people and sources of support. When we can't bear to take anything in and subsequently feel alone, it makes the heartache that much more.  

See if you can let even the littlest amount of support or love in from yourself or someone else.